So I'm sitting by my desk at work, and screening through drawings of residences, resorts, showrooms and so on. Somehow none of this is making me feel excited anymore. I come by my lone studio now and then, looking at it standing mostly empty. The futon hasn't been purchased yet. The paintings not hung, the pin up board nowhere around, and somehow even my writing's losing its luster. Nothing around me brings me joy anymore. and here I am struggling, still grappling with the end of my rope. It was all coming to me, when I started to let go of my demons. But again, I've come to a place where things are foggy, and I simply can't see anything joyous out there. I feel energies within me stalling me, not letting me move ahead. Like goons they surround me, and laugh as I struggle, and beg and plead with them to let me be free. Hasn't it been long enough? Isn't it time for you to go, I ask. But they only just shrug.
So I begin my day now, reluctantly. I pester my body out of bed, and drive to yoga class. The demons try to resist, but the open green lush lawn, and cool breeze put them to rest for just a while. They only wake up while I drive past the store from my yoga class, and point greedily towards the ciggies parked in the glass case. 'Oh well..! Okay' , I reluctantly concede, secretly grateful for them right then.
Getting momentum into your life, trying to be content all seem to be easy at times. And yet quite a task at others. Some days, all I want to do is crash and never wake up. And I wonder, will I ever be the person who can do things truly from her heart? Who can be genuine towards herself, and be strong enough to be a mother, a wife, a friend? Well, that's the thing. You can be, but you have to earn it. You have to feel it, and work hard at it. This means those demons need to go. You need to remind yourself of the bigger picture, and let go of 'em demons. And slowly you will be content, and simple and ordinary and with God.
So I begin my day now, reluctantly. I pester my body out of bed, and drive to yoga class. The demons try to resist, but the open green lush lawn, and cool breeze put them to rest for just a while. They only wake up while I drive past the store from my yoga class, and point greedily towards the ciggies parked in the glass case. 'Oh well..! Okay' , I reluctantly concede, secretly grateful for them right then.
Getting momentum into your life, trying to be content all seem to be easy at times. And yet quite a task at others. Some days, all I want to do is crash and never wake up. And I wonder, will I ever be the person who can do things truly from her heart? Who can be genuine towards herself, and be strong enough to be a mother, a wife, a friend? Well, that's the thing. You can be, but you have to earn it. You have to feel it, and work hard at it. This means those demons need to go. You need to remind yourself of the bigger picture, and let go of 'em demons. And slowly you will be content, and simple and ordinary and with God.
Hi ... I chanced on your blog off the beaten track by accident.n realised i couldnt comment there later after i wrote this.
ReplyDeleteI also didnt want to comment much assuming that its a perhaps private note to one self ..
It was deep enough I had to come n read some of your notes later; they are beautiful; with a lil bit of melancholy built in as if you are coming out of a la chrysalis probably from a heartbreak But on the other hand your notes also shows a rendering ( spreading your wings after a struggle to the SUN ).You come across as a creative person if I am not wrong ?
Had some similar transitions happening many years back and i stopped writing altogether even deleted my blogs posts n media profiles entirely. Pls continue your writing even if its on and off ... if you do will look forward to reading if you do continue Good day